AS millions of shoppers; Queen of frocks.(Features)

AS millions of shoppers hit the sales, retailers will be rubbing their hands with glee to the sound of ringing tills.

But they'll also be keeping a wary eye out for one particular shopper.

Mary Portas, the self-styled Queen of Shops, has spent the last few years helping flailing retail shops and overhauling local charity stores. Now, she's coming to the aid of consumers in Mary Portas: Secret Shopper.

The retail guru is working with well-known brands and high street chains to ensure shoppers are receiving the customer service they deserve.

"The so-called service industry has become a faceless, 'I couldn't give a monkey's' business," says the flame-haired Portas in her typical no-nonsense manner, bangles clinking loudly as she gesticulates wildly.

"I think we're one of the worst countries in the world on that front right now."

Her exasperated tone says it all.

She's fed up with "the fat cat companies making a serious amount of money but not offering a voice to the consumer" and she's ready to take them to task over it. And if anyone can, Portas can.

"When retail is done right, a day at the shops is one of the most exciting and fun things to do, but a bad experience can really pull your day down," she says.

"I once said to a waiter in this restaurant, 'Can you talk me through the wine list'? and he said, 'Your guess is as good as mine'."

But Portas says that quite often the British public are their own worst enemy when it comes to bad customer service.

"We are a bit apathetic when it comes to bad service, but vote with your feet and just don't turn up," she snorts.

And there's always the internet: "People moan about the internet but for a voice of the people it's amazing. I love the fact people can go on Twitter or put something online and at the click of a button let the world know about their shopping experience."

She even plans to set up an online forum to run in conjunction with the new series "so everybody can go online and complain".

"I don't want a country of angry people, but I want people to feel they can really say, 'I'm not being looked after' and some of these brands can be shamed."

The big fashion stores, for instance, have a lot to answer for.

"One we saw had clothes strewn all over the floor and the entire sales team were huffing and piling it back up while the queues where stretching out the door - and everybody was just putting up with it," she adds.

"My 14-year-old was going, 'Are they mad'? And you think, 'Yes, probably'."

Mary Portas: Secret Shopper begins on Channel Four on Wednesday at 9pm BEST FILM Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind (Channel Four, Thursday, 12.10am) FOR a movie about memory loss, this is pretty unforgettable stuff.

Jim Carrey's Joel is so devastated to hear that his ex has undergone pioneering treatment to erase him from her memory that he elects to have the same procedure.

However, things get complicated when he realises half-way through that there are some memories he just can't bear to lose.

French director Michel Gondry's visual flare combines with writer Charlie Kaufman's wild and weird post-modernist doodlings to come up with a film that's both clever and touching.

BEST READ The TV Book Club (More4, tonight, 7.50pm) TALKING about books on TV reminds me of the old Frank Zappa quote that writing about music is a bit like "dancing to architecture".

Thankfully, this foregoes the usual stroky chin, highbrow-type approach, making you want to switch off the television set and go do a bit of reading instead.

In the first of a new run Ade Edmondson, Meera Syal, Jo Brand and Dave Spikey rate and review books by established and emerging authors, beginning with Room, Emma Donoghue's Booker-shortlisted tale of a five-year-old boy and his mother who spend all their time locked in a confined space. Sounds novel.

BEST DRAMA Hattie (BBC Four, Wednesday, 9pm) QUEEN of sauce, matron of mirth, and a proper little raver given half the chance, the late Carry On actress Hattie Jacques follows in the footsteps of Ken Williams and Frankie Howerd here as she gets the celebrity bio-pic treatment.

Ruth Jones plays the "fat, funny lady" whose private life hid a much steamier side, Jacques being caught up in a very English love triangle between her husband, Dad's Army star John Le Mesurier, and the toy-boy chauffeur she moved into their family home.

Ding dong! I say! Etc, etc.

BEST STRANGE BUT TRUE Storyville: Pablo's Hippos (BBC Four, tomorrow, 10.30pm) COLUMBIAN drugs baron Pablo Escobar was known for a lot of things, but hippo lover wasn't one of them.

The real-life Scarface may have built an international crime empire built on cocaine trafficking, but he also had his own personal zoo too.

And as well as hippos, he also imported kangaroos, elephants and rhinos, and even erected life-size dinosaurs - and it's from their four-legged perspective that we see what led to Escobar's death by a hail of police bullets in 1993.

Say hello to his little friends!

LENNY'S GOT A NEW TRICK UP HIS SLEEVE years, Lenny Henry: Cradle To Rave. All of which begs the question: "When does he sleep?" "That's what my wife said!

LENNY Henry was determined to get the magic back in his life, so performed a trick for the New Year. The 52-year-old comic reappeared on prime-time Saturday TV before our very eyes as the host of the new BBC One entertainment show The Magicians, a sleight of hand he hopes will help make the terrible time he's gone through vanish into thin air. "My sister-in-law died, my brother-in-law died, my mum passed away, my niece died and my nephew died.

It's very tough, but my daughter understands and my wife has been very supportive," adds Henry. He's certainly found himself reinvigorated by his newly rekindled love for all things Abracadabra. Filming in front of a 500-strong audience, Henry says he was amazed by just how much he enjoyed it. "It's embarrassing just how much," he laughs, adding that a revival of this type of family show had been a long time coming.

"Magic has changed over the past 10 years," says Henry. Magicians will know the format - two solo magicians and a double act compete to wow the audience, with the help of various celebrity sidekicks. So far we've seen Bruno Tonioli helping Chris Korn to chop a couple in half with a chainsaw - not to mention the entire dance group Diversity get magicked out of a cardboard box by Illusionist of the Decade Luis de Matos. With its distinct lack of any top hats or glitter ball cheesiness, Lenny is hopeful it'll rival the likes of The X Factor as a return to good old-fashioned Saturday night fun. "This is the first time we've had a big illusion-style Saturday night show for the 21st century - and it's about time," he says. The Magicians is on BBC One, Saturday, 7.00pm Plus my marriage ended," says the Dudley-born comedian, who, after his divorce to Dawn French last October, threw himself into his work to keep sane. So, in addition to landing the presenting gig on The Magicians, he's enjoyed new-found fame as an actor, treading the boards with his acclaimed turn as Othello, and is now gearing up for his first stand-up tour for three "We've had Penn & Teller, Cirque du Soleil and I think it's time to see that on TV." Indeed, magic hasn't been a fixture on the BBC since the early '90s when Paul Daniels was king of the conjurors. Anyone who's already tuned in to The BEST NUPTUALS Big Fat Gypsy Weddings (Channel Four, Tuesday, 9pm) AFTER the success of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding comes Big Fat Gypsy Weddings - plural.

Now crammed with even more gypsy goodness, this new five-part series that tells you everything you need to know about how big to make a bridal train without getting it trampled by the fleet of Irish cobbs that pulled your caravan to church.

Picking up where the original Channel Four film left off, we get an extra peek at the travelling community's attitude towards gender roles, education and outsiders, as well as detailing the milestones in a gypsy girl's life ahead of her spectacular wedding day, from her first Holy Communion to hen night.

BEST DOCUMENTARY Gordon Ramsay: Shark Bait (Channel Four, tonight, 9pm) LESS a title, more wish fulfilment in the minds of most people. Still, whatever you think of chef Ramsey, he comes over a good sole - sorry, soul - here as he investigates the brutal and destructive shark fishing industry which is thought to kill 100 million of the much-maligned creatures each year.

The outspoken foodie also swims with the lethal bull shark in his scariest challenge to date.

Although which of them has the biggest bite is still open to conjecture.